I’ve missed dumping my random mental any interpretation works wanderings onto this page enough that I’m taking a break from my current project in order to “go out and play.”
This particular post is brought to you by a couple of old “friend zone” blog entries written by two acquaintances of mine, Christina Majaski, and Marjorie McAtee. After reading both entries, it would be easy to conclude that the only people not relegated to the “friend zone” are perfect specimens of humanity. That is not what I see in my daily travels. Granted, any rational person with an ounce of dignity is going to grab for someone as high up on the evolutionary tree as they can reach. Sadly, there are plenty of people who are neither rational, nor have an ounce of dignity. And thus, even complete losers are capable of finding love and, unfortunately, breeding… prolifically.
“I’m a driver. I’m a winner. Things are gonna change, I can feel it.” – Steve Hanft film, “Kill the Moonlight”
The above quote is most popular from the song “Loser”, by Beck. But, trust me, he yoinked it from that film. It is also the battle cry of losers everywhere.
“There are two types of people, those who can extrapolate from what they know.” – I have no idea who first said that, but I like it; it tickles me in my thinky place.
Seems to me that people are genetically engineered to be divisive. If at all possible, we’ll go with the easiest division of all: two types. Accordingly, I’ll postulate there are two types of losers: “natural born losers”, those unfortunates who are simply not equipped with the tools to deal with life and, therefore, are kinda stuck that way, and “circumstantial losers”. The latter group are people who have worked hard to earn their way into loserdom via a series of poor decisions, a series of life-bitch-slappings, or a combination of the two. Many who find themselves in the second group will remain there simply because they no longer have the energy to be otherwise, or have forgotten how to “fly the plane” 1.
“What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to each new twist of fate.” – Donald Trump
Oh, dear God! Did I really just quote The Donald? I have to go take a really hot shower; be right back…
Regardless of the source, I find I must agree… be right back…
I’m running out of hot water…
The thing is, the first group of losers never got their tool box, and many in the second group dropped a bunch of tools along the way and, so, no longer have the tools to deal with life. But then… there is a certain group of losers who were not born losers, became losers, but refuse to remain losers.
Welcome to the Friend Zone
So, what has all this talk of losers got to do with the *friend zone*?
If you are actually asking that question, please review my explanation of the first type of loser .
If, on the other hand, you understand the relationship, and suddenly realize you have a lot of friends who are “girls” 2, but no girlfriends 3, that’s right; you’re a loser: own it.
Now, being a loser, you need to understand, you basically have nothing to offer anyone worth your interest and are only attractive to other losers, who are looking for someone else willing to settle for low hanging fruit, or women who want to be your mother. Both of those groups have enough problems without you messing with them, loser; leave them alone. Also, they know how to bring the crazy out like a switch blade… or maybe a real switch blade. Sure, you think you’d like to experiment with bondage a bit but, trust me, chained to a pipe in some dark, damp basement is not as sexy as it sounds.
The best way to take ownership of your loserdom is to realize, and accept the fact that, until you get your shit together, you are going to have some great conversations with some really attractive women but, you’re going to spend a lot of nights alone. Welcome to the friend zone.
Utter bullshit. The secret of personal attraction is confidence, without being a D-bag, pheromones, and the willingness to do whatever it is that makes people laugh. But you, my friend, are a loser. You have no self-confidence, you’ve got the pheromones covered, ’cause you don’t bathe regularly, but your comedic skills tend toward the pathetic. Having a sense of humor about yourself is healthy and attractive; passive-aggressively deriding yourself, constantly, in hopes that “she” will find your humility funny is loserliness at its peak.
The Friend Zone is Not a Penalty Box
A lot of the women you’ve… well, we can’t really use “approached” so much as “crept up to”, may have seen the remnant of a winner in you, or simply felt sorry for you, and decided to engage you in some way: a brief chat, accepting a cup of coffee, whatever, trust me; within seconds, if you were not dismissed outright, you were subconsciously ushered to your seat in the friend zone – but that’s OK.
If you’re ever going to stop being a loser, you need to re-equip your tool bag, and that job is so much easier with friends. So, right now, stop looking for a serious relationship; you’ve got nothing to bring to the table. Instead, look for women who you enjoy joking around with, and who you have a few things in common with, but you know that getting together would be a disaster. Sure, she’s attractive, so your mind will stray… and then she’ll say something about hating your favorite food, and all will be well again, because she’s an awesome friend, but you both know that if you were to spend three whole days together, somebody is going to end up with a fork sticking out of them.
In the meantime, you have some laughs, some much-needed companionship, and you learn how easy it is to connect with other people, when there are no expectations.
Every real friendship is a give and take. Since you’ve walked into the friend zone and taken a comfy seat on purpose, you now have the benefit of learning, and sharing your knowledge. You can go ahead and be a dork; your friend will let you know, and will taunt you endlessly about it. You can have open and honest discussions, because there are no expectations, no “do I want to spend the rest of my life with this?” But the odds are, in the end, you will spend more happy years with that friend who helped you climb back up to the winner zone than with the one you finally win.
1 That post coming shortly.
2 If you literally have girl friends, and you’re over the age of, let’s say, 25… you are not just a loser, but you are going to end up in a registry, with limits on how near a school you may live.
3 I am writing this from a male perspective. I would not dare presume to believe I know anything about the workings of a female mind.