OK, let’s be honest; I really wanted the title to be “The way of What The Fuck Now?”, but even I have standards for what I will allow in my store front window.
“Lost time is never found again.” – Benjamin Franklin
So I woke up bright and early yesterday… OK, dark and early – we need to set the clocks ahead one hour, then leave them the hell alone! I really would feel better typing this at the hour formerly known as 5:20am than I do at it’s new name, which is unpronounceable at this hour… even though just one or two weeks ago–I really can’t remember–it would have been 5:something.
“Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.” – John Lennon
So there I was, at a reasonable hour, something like 8:30am or the hour formerly known as 9:30 which would have been even more reasonable… crap, where was I? Oh yeah. I was at my keyboard, all ready to welcome you all to a new week, and discovered I had no internet connect –
I have to restart my PC, so the Windows 8.1 upgrade can crash it. Be right back… or not, as the case may be.
Alrighty, then! That only took an hour…
Which is still better than yesterday. As I was saying, yesterday morning I was all fired up and ready to welcome you all to a new week when I discovered I had no internet connection. So I did what I can only believe anyone would do under similar circumstances: I went downstairs and made myself coffee and eggs.
“Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” – Arthur C. Clarke
>One of my all time favorite quotes<
When I was done with my egg… I had actually only made one, but we're so conditioned by The Man to say "eggs" – I think it's a clever sales tactic by the Egg Growers of America, or something.
Oh yeah… so, when I was done with my egg, but not my coffee, because I like to make that last a while longer, I discovered the internet fairies had not come to fix my connection. I would simply have to fix the damned thing myself! Not that I'm an internet fairy, and have nothing, in general, against fairies, I just don't happen to be one… more like an internet ogre, I should think… and, yeah, an internet troll on occasion.
“Art is a step from what is obvious and well-known toward what is arcane and concealed.” – Khalil Gibran
So I made my way down to the computer cave, wherein there are whizzy things and blinky things, and things that don’t-bloody-work! Therein, to practice my dark arts but no crafts.
I located the magical box that should have been wind-talking with my PC and found the wind-talking light was out. Well… So I had to go to the computer that Speaks Through Wires and I told him to give the magical box a shout. Dammit! The magical box would not even talk to the wired computer, even though the wire talky light was on!
“The problem is that replacement of Quantum Mechanics by Quantum Field Theory is still very demanding.”
– Martin Fleischmann
“Well bugger this!” I said calmly and evenly. And stomped out of the computer cave, and to a place that should not be filled with computer parts, but often is, and pulled an old but reliable talky box out of my desk drawer. You see, I had already had to replace two previous Comcast boxes before, and knew that my own old one would work well as a temporary replacement.
So I brought my own little buddy down into the cave of computers and commenced testing to see if he would still work. When I had everything all set – mind you, we’re talking re-running wires and power supplies and all – I turned on the old new box… or new old box, as you like, and behold! My old magic device had all the talky lights blinking in an appropriate manner. Yay! So I had Speaks Through Wires talk to Old But Not Bloody Useless, and set him straight, as to how to speak with all the computery boxes in the house. And he did, and they did, and all the world looked fresh and new!
Except, it still would not talk to the internet.
Even though all the flashy lights were flashying properly…
It was then that it became apparent I would have to give myself the Plague.
“I don’t believe in evil, I believe only in horror. In nature there is no evil, only an abundance of horror: the plagues and the blights and the ants and the maggots.” – Isak Dinesen
You see, having worked, intimately, with computers and electronics in general for… well, a very, very long time since 1978, I really do avoid talking to any sort of “technical assistance” as if it were the Black Death itself. But there I was, with all my shit working right, but not talking to their shit. And only they can set their shit straight.
“Perhaps there is no agony worse than the tedium I experienced waiting for Something to Happen.” – Lance Loud
At that point, I picked up my phone and talked to five very pleasant-sounding, but incredibly stupid people about a topic so far over their heads I swear I heard one asking another for oxygen, until one glimmering ember of intelligence said, “Oh, I’m going to have to send a reset. Hang on.”
When I was finally able to speak to the internet, it was 1:30 in the afternoon. And I still had to drive the dead thing back to the cable office to get another undead thing. Which is still sitting, unconnected, on a shelf in the computer cave, because the internet was working, and I was becoming “stauseous”. That’s what I call the sickly state in which I can’t quite determine if I’m starving or nauseous. I bet you can guess which one it usually turns out to be…
“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?” – Ernest Hemingway
Oh yeah… I know…
Skipped welcoming you to the new goddamned week. Skipped dinner, and was in bed by 7:00pm. Asleep almost immediately. Slept so well, in fact, that I was up and ready to go at zero dark thirty (which has totally been used by anyone ever in the military way before that stupid movie). Leapt into my chair, ready to write this belated welcome post, and my computer greeted me with full screen, “You should update Windows now.”
Which brings us back to the beginning of this post, and the inspiration for its title.
Welcome To a New Week, Bitches!