The way of Acquired Tourette’s Syndrome

YoLoBloMo #2
Notice: If you are easily offended by words, you are an uptight pussy. Ask Santa for a sense of humor.

“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must live.”
– Charles Bukowski

I’m going to use this post to introduce something I’ve been working on for years:

Livingston’s Guide to Lesser Known Psychoses Reminder: I know jack about shit

You’re probably wondering what a “Lesser Known Psychosis” might be. Then again, you may not have as firm a grasp on the English language as you think. In short, a lesser known psychosis is a psychosis that is known lesser than others. A somewhat more satisfying explanation might be: lesser known should probably be hyphenated, so? psychoses are aberrant, non-constructive, or even self-destructive behaviors which we exhibit in one way or another, without anyone even realizing there may be something wrong. These behaviors, which I will periodically catalog here, go completely unnoticed by the general populace, let alone recognized by mental health professionals, because of their astonishing pervasiveness. Indeed, most are seen as somewhat “normal” behavior.

Yeah, everyone’s got to have the sickness, ’cause everyone seems to need the cure.” – Metallica, Cure

As they say, “Knowing there’s a problem is one third of the cure.”
Sorry, it’s only me who says that; everyone else has it wrong… You see, recognizing there is a problem would be step one, of course. Formulating a course of action to correct the problem would be the second part. But what good is a corrective action plan if you never do anything with it? So, step 3 is implementation. Thus, knowing there’s a problem is only 1/3 of the cure. In my Guide entries, I will sometimes suggest actions that may be taken to mitigate the condition. I will not always be able to suggest a corrective action, ’cause, you know, not really a mental health professional.

“He can’t go five minutes without quoting scripture. It’s like biblical Tourettes.” – Dawn Jayne, Crises

“Tourette’s Syndrome (TS) is an inherited neuropsychiatric disorder with onset in childhood, characterized by multiple physical (motor) tics and at least one vocal (phonic) tic… Tourette’s was once considered a rare and bizarre syndrome, most often associated with the exclamation of obscene words or socially inappropriate and derogatory remarks.” – Wikipedia Deal

As the above explanation indicates, “regular” Tourette’s Syndrome is inherited, and begins to present symptoms during childhood. Nearly everyone knows about “regular” TS because anyone who shouts obscenities at random is hysterically funny, and word about that shit is bound to get around.

Today, though, I’ll be discussing the far more pervasive, yet completely unacknowledged Acquired Tourette’s Syndrome (ATS).

In contradiction with simple TS, Acquired Tourette’s almost always presents itself post childhood, frequently as early as the teen years. By full adulthood, ATS has taken firm root in anyone susceptible to it. Nearly everyone is a potential victim of this horrid condition which, just like its legitimately recognized counterpart, presents itself as violent exclamations of obscene words and/or phrases, or sometimes (unlike TS) as tightly whispered curses.

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” – Ambrose Bierce

As mentioned, unlike TS, ATS is sometimes marked by the jaw-clenched growl of various obscenities and/or threats, but what truly sets Acquired Tourette’s Syndrome apart from its formally recognized sibling, and what gives the malady its name is, Acquired Tourette’s Syndrome is completely situational. The sufferer’s outbursts may be triggered by complexities such as receiving three bills while having only sufficient funds to pay two of them, or extremes, such as getting bumped and spilling scalding hot coffee on one’s self. The victim may begin speaking in a conciliatory manner, “Excuse me,” but it’s then that the illness, with iron grip, will seize control, interrupting what was certainly an apology, and turning it into something like,”Excuse me, nosebite, asswipe, motherfucker!” That same individual may have had a perfectly pleasant and uninterrupted conversation while pouring his coffee.

Simple triggers are quite insidious, and most closely mimic the symptoms of medically acknowledged Tourettes Syndrome. There may be no visible rhyme or reason for the quietly hissed invectives, which seem to appear most commonly as sufferers enter their places of employment.

“The beautiful souls are they that are universal, open, and ready for all things.” – Michel de Montaigne

As with most afflictions, Acquired Tourette’s Syndrome is an equal opportunity affliction. Nearly anyone may suddenly find themselves in its grip, from the grease-covered guy yelling nearly unintelligibly while working on his car to the mother who quietly threatens the lives of her own family upon walking into the kitchen and finding a sink full of dirty dishes she must wash… perhaps even now, after reading those two incredibly sexist remarks, you are feeling the slight rise in temperature typically experienced immediately before an ATS outburst.

There is no known cure for ATS. Should you experience it once, you will be prone to outbursts at virtually any time, even during pleasant experiences, such as your favorite football team scoring, you may suddenly find yourself cheerfully screaming, “Fuckin’ Goal! Fuck Yeah! You Go Motherfucker!”

One partial explanation for ATS’s tenacity is the fact that many people feel a sense of euphoric relief immediately following an ATS attack.

The disgusting truth is, the medical community at large couldn’t give a flying fuck about Acquired Tourette’s god damned Syndrome! Even if the ignorant cocksuckers did give half a shit, it’s doubtful the idiot prick bastards could find their own asses with both fucking hands, let alone an actual motherfucking cure! Stoopid Fucktards!

What we do fucking know for goddamned sure is that Mondays are one of the main motherfucking triggers for ATS outbursts. That and idiot motherfuckers!

Welcome to a brand-fucking-new goddamned week, Bitches!



About wned2012

Creative thinker & lover of laughter.
This entry was posted in ... and also, no cats., Better Living, Humor, Language, Livingston's Guide, NaBloPoMo, Things and Stuff, Welcome to a new week - bitches, YoLoBloMo and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to The way of Acquired Tourette’s Syndrome

  1. Pingback: The way of FSS | NedSpeak

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