(Stupid List Blog Post)
“Originality is really important.” – Jim Carrey
Profound words, indeed, and I shall be posting an entry dealing specifically with the importance of being original… and crazy, in the mumble mumble future. It’s almost done, but I think I set the oven too low, so it’s gonna have to cook a bit longer… and the outside won’t be crispy. Sorry.
This post, however, is so completely unoriginal as to be categorized as being original in the depth of its unoriginalness. So there.
What makes this entry so excruciatingly unoriginal is that it is yet another List Post. But it’s not just any list post – it’s a “Stupid List” post, a concept pioneered by this woman’s “Stupid List Friday” posts:
Christina Majaski you know you want her
“I like lists, I’m controlling, I like order. I’m difficult on every level.”
– Sandra Bullock
And what shall we have for our first stupid list?
Lists Nobody Wants To See
5. Any List Longer Than 10 Items
Internet, this is Reader. Reader, this is Internet. Clearly you’ve never met, otherwise you’d know that the average attention span in here makes a gnat look like a chess champion. That’s why all my lists are in descending order, with the most important – Dammit! Come back here!
4. Your Favorite Things
Unless you’re creating an online dating profile, people are pretty constipated. they give not one shit Truth be told, unless you are searingly hot or look like an “easy date”, don’t be surprised when that person you “made such a connection with” shows up for your first date wearing some godawful color because they could have sworn it was your favorite.
If, by some wonderful combination of genetics and a dysfunctional family, you happen to be both searingly hot and an easy date, there may even be a rat’s ass donated to the things you don’t like. In short, unless you are Julie Andrews singing on a windswept mountainside, as far as your favorite things are concerned, 0 (zero) is the number of fucks given, accurate to 5 decimal places.
3. Things That Piss You Off
Let’s face it, denizens of the interwebz, otherwise known as “interzenz” (the quotes are because I said it in my mind before I typed it), are really only interested in their own opinions – unless they conflict with yours, in which case they may waddle out from under their bridge long enough to flame you… and that’s because you disagree with their opinion; it’s got nothing to do with you.
Another reason nobody wants to see what pisses you off is because it’s probably a list of things you think we should be doing differently or not at all. Hey, guess what, my parents are both dead, too soon? and I work freelance. In short, your opinion of what I do or how I do it is of no consequence… unless you’re searingly hot and a easy date, or paying me.available now in fact
Maybe my next stupid list will be reasons why nobody cares about your stupid opinions. Nah, too long.
2. Rules For Writing Well
I suppose the most popular reason for hating the abundance of this type of list is–believe it or not–not everyone is a writer! The next reason is very likely that the title is hardly ever worded as correctly as it is here… and it’s for writers. The absolute worst incarnations of this type of list are the ones for which the author has purposely screwed with the grammatical construction or spelling of the title–because that is so hysterically humorous at this point. How original!
Then there is the utter uselessness of those lists, most often written by people who’ve never been published and are trying to establish cred. You telling me how I should write establishes nothing but crud. clever twist – not! The real world fact is, getting published and becoming popular is a total crap-shoot. Sure, it helps an awful lot if you remain within sight of established spelling and grammar, allowing a number of people to have some chance of understanding you, but:
“Twas bryllyg, and ye slythy toves
Did gyre and gymble in ye wabe…”
– Lewis Carroll, Jabberwocky
Are you fucking serious?
I double dare you to go read some fiction by Salman Rushdie, then go back and revise your “rules for successful writing”. Of course receiving a death sentence from a major religious leader will go a long way toward gaining you recognition, but the writing is still the writing… award winning writing…
1. Lists of Stupid Lists
Really? I gotta give you reasons after you just wasted how long reading this crap?
The thing is, though, there’s a list out there for everything–probably multiple lists–and as far as I’m concerned, the only ones worthy of any respect at all are check-lists for pilots and other highly technical and lethal activities… and groceries, gotta have grocery lists.
Just curious, what do you keep lists of?