Albert Einstein, a bad poet? relatively bad Who knew?
It has long been said, there’s a fine line between genius and insanity… in fact, there are some people who do a little jig back and forth across that line. This post is dedicated to those people, the totally frickin’ crazy geniuses who have dragged civilization forward as if it were a patient in a straight jacket. you’d know
“Sane is boring.” you’re boring either way – R.A. Salvatore
The thing is, until somebody invents time travel, we will never know the names of those crazy bastards. Still, they deserve our recognition and gratitude.
So, for my second stupid list, I present:
5 Of The Most Awesome-Crazy People In History
5. The Nut-Job Who Decided To Grab Fire And Bring It Home
My personal opinion is, some lightning started a forest fire and a bunch of cave teens were hanging out staring at it. You know one of them just had to dare one of the others to grab a burning branch.
Face it, compared to the average dude today, everybody back then was a bad-ass… what were you spearing to death when you were 10?
So, the bad-ass bar was set pretty frickin’ high; of course other cave teen grabbed the burning branch. Then, as older siblings will do, he decided to torment his younger siblings by chasing them around with that impromptu torch. Sure, he was grounded for 6 suns, but they had roast mammoth that night.
Now we have barbecues in commemoration of that event… also, just about everything you use today. If you seriously think something you use on a regular basis was made without the use of fire in any way, shape, or fashion, please tell me about it in the comments.
4. The First Lunatic Who Thought Jumping Onto A Horse Would Be
A Great Idea
If you know anything about American history, you’ve heard of the Lakota Indian warrior, Crazy Horse. But his name was probably not the first time the words “crazy” and “horse” were used in the same sentence. I suspect that particular relationship was first introduced when somebody exclaimed, “What the hell is that crazy bastard doing on that horse?” being catapulted off
… and now we have rodeos to commemorate his genius and horrible death… and oh yeah, we also have cultivated crops on an industrial scale, large scale machinery, long distance travel… and fertilizer. Thanks, crazy horse dude!
3. The Mad Mofo Who Decided Fertilizer Could Go Boom!
OK, how did some batshit crazy Chinese dude figure that batshit, sulfur, and some other dirt would go boom in any sort of predictable way? in such pretty colors See, the Chinese didn’t use “gun” powder for guns until the Europeans showed them how. They were happy making pretty fires in the sky. Then Marco Polo, once he got out of his pool, decided to bring some stuff back home, without clearing it through customs. As a result we have such horrible, destructive wars, but we also have rockets that can take us to the moon and back (yeah, that was liquid fueled. shut up!). Sometimes mad science has a down side; what can I tell you.
2. Somebody So Insanely Hungry, Lobsters Actually Looked Like
Something To Eat, And Not Alien Death Bugs
Once, while scuba diving off the Massachusetts coast, I had my own moment of “genius”, and ended up with a lobster attached, quite firmly, to the end of my right index finger. As a result, I can only imagine the first person who grabbed one and decided to chow down must have done it in panicked self-defense.
The result of what must truly have been an act of shear desperation is a lot of people, including me, who love lobster as a delicacy… because mom and dad said, “Try it! It’s not like it’s some kind of alien death bug.” But, and I swear this is true, prisoners used to complain, back in olde tymes, when lobster was considered food fit only for prisoners and paupers… probably had the wrong wine with it. Chardonnay is best 😉
OK… when the seashore has so many lobsters crawling around on it they’re considered trash food, I’m living inland, thanks… maybe grow some grapes…
1. The Poor Bastard Who Was So Thirsty He Drank The Sludge
At The Bottom Of An Old Grape Storage Amphora
At some point, like, a long time before even I was born, horses allowed people to work such large areas of land for planting crops, we ended up with a butt-load of extra food. Back then, Tupperware was ceramic and looked like those things in the picture above. Of course, they didn’t call them Tupperware – not because the name is trademarked by, ummm, Tupperware, but rather, because they didn’t speak English yet. you’re kidding, right?
It does seem highly unlikely, I know… I mean, just watch any documentary, like “Reign”, and you’ll see even all the French people speak with proper British accents, but there really was a time before Great Britain. you lie!
Anyway, back in those ancient times, everyone spoke Middle Eastern, and they hadn’t even invented flat bottoms for jars yet! You can’t even imagine what a mess their floors must have been, what with jars falling all over the place.
Each town had a store house where they would keep all the pointy jars, which were actually about waist high, in special storage racks because, pointy bottoms, drr. Sooner or later, though, what goes into storage must come out of storage. Every now and then, somebody would forget the jars had pointy bottoms and would set one on the floor, only to have it fall over and snap the top off.
Archaeologists can usually tell where an ancient warehouse was because they’ll find an old pile of broken amphorae… that’s a bunch of amphoras – no English! They’ll know from the pile, that spot was the back of the warehouse, where ancient stock boys chucked the broken jugs (OK?) Of course the owner would try to salvage as much of whatever was in there as he could, but you know there’s going to be some gross stuff at the bottom they’ll just leave in there when they chuck it out.
And every now and then, it would rain, as will happen. So, you’ve got broken jars with old stuff at the bottom, soaking in water and getting very hot during the daytime…
And so it was that one day, a survivor from a lost desert caravan came stumbling into one of those ancient towns and stumbled up to the door of a warehouse and begged for water. Back then, there were no reality shows, so there was nothing to do but torment real people you came across. And nobody needed the distraction of a really fucking stupid reality show the way ancient stock boys did. So when a stranger came wandering in out of the desert desperate for water…
“So… how thirsty are you?” asks the stock boy.
“Very thirsty,” rasps the stranger.
“I’ll be right back,” says the stock boy, with a perfect British accent, and a gleam in his eyes.
He takes off to the rear of the warehouse and digs out the oldest, busted amphora, with liquid stuff in it, he can find, and drags it back to the parched stranger. At this point, the stock boy’s boss has stopped by to see how things are going. He sees the stock boy dragging the old, broken amphora toward the stranger and demands to know what is going on. The boy tells the warehouse owner about the stranger wandering in and asking for water. The warehouse owner wants to know if the stranger has offered to pay for the water. The stock boy tells him the stranger has been lost in the desert and has nothing to trade.
“But he says he is very thirsty,” says the stock boy, with a fleeting glance at the crud in the amphora he is dragging.
“I seeee…” says the warehouse owner. Then, cuffing the stock boy playfully on the back of his head, he says, “Well, we are not barbarians! We must provide for our guest.”
So saying, he gives the boy a wink and produces a goblet. I might mention here that the warehouse owner is not much more sophisticated than his stock boy, and business was slow that day.
As the stock boy is about to pour the sludge into the goblet, the stranger makes a little sound in his throat and quickly covers the cup with the hem of his tunic, thus filtering out the worst of the residue and allowing the rancid smelling liquid to trickle into the drinking vessel.
“As you can see, we do not have water running in our streets and cannot just give it away,” says the owner, “But if you are thirsty enough to drink this,” he winks at the stock boy, who barely stifles an evil snicker, “you are welcome to it.”
The desperate man pinches his nose and takes a sip. He grimaces at the taste, but is so thirsty he drinks more. Not so bad, really, He finishes the contents and releases an impressive belch.
He places the cup on the floor, covers it with the hem of his tunic, and demands, “More.”
The warehouse owner and the stock boy exchange stunned glances. The stock boy pours more sludge through the cloth. The stranger downs the contents in one huge gulp, belches, then sits back on his haunches. After a few minutes, looking not quite right, he begins to laugh.
“That! My friends, is some really good shit,” proclaims the stranger.
“Here!” demands the warehouse owner. Snatching up the goblet, he pulls part of his tunic over it, and pours what’s left of the crud through his fine cloth. It takes longer to trickle into the cup, but the liquid is filtered even better, so it doesn’t look so bad when he hands it to the stock boy and demands, “Try it.”
Although clearer, the liquid still smells like rotting garbage. The boy is justifiably reluctant, but the owner thrusts the goblet at him and nods toward the now giggling stranger. The boy holds his nose and swills down the entire cupful. He exhales heavily, his throat burning, just a bit. After a moment, he shakes his head, glances around, then jogs, unsteadily, to the back of the warehouse. He returns, dragging another rancid-smelling, broken amphora. Without further prompting, he fills the goblet with purple mud from the bottom of the jug, filtered through his own tunic. He slams the contents down his throat, belches even louder than the stranger, which sets the two of them off cackling like old women.
Realizing the two have not died or become sick, but are instead having a great time, the warehouse owner tries a sip. Then another. Then another. He finally drains the cup and orders the boy to go get more swill. By now, the boy is unsteady on his feet, so the stranger offers to help. He puts his arm around the boy’s shoulder, then leaning against each other, the two make their way down the aisle to the rear of the warehouse. Just as they are about to exit toward the pile of trashed amphorae, the stranger can be heard to say, “I love you, man.”
The three of them spend the afternoon trying filtered dregs from old grape containers, wheat containers, all they can find. And so the first office party went crazily on until they all started puking.
It’s Frickin’ Friday! Go! Do something Awesome-Crazy… do it til you puke!