“In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” – Albert Schweitzer
I have this friend…
… she lives pretty far away, which is too bad because she’s the kind of friend who, if I was getting beat up in a bar fight, would laugh and laugh – up to a certain point, at which time, a silent prayer should be uttered for any mofo still on me. Sometimes she gets all stabby ‘n shit.
“I just consider myself slightly left-of-center. I’m not your average bear. I – what’s the word? I’m not – normal.” – Eddie Van Halen
Another thing about my friend is that she is very fond of her bear suit and wears it, pretty much, everywhere. In fact, the only thing she likes anywhere near as much as her bear suit is camping. Which brings me to my point: now that Summer is almost over, I think it’s about time I weighed in with some Summertime advice. And so I give you –
5 Reasons You Should Never Wear A Bear Suit Camping
“I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.”
– Woody Allen
There are real bears out there! What if one decides you’re a real bear too, but it doesn’t like your cologne… or does like your cologne. apparently, some bears are Catholic and don’t believe in divorce.
There are real people out there! And they have guns! and they don’t really care if your head is inside the one they put on their wall
There are real people out there! And they are terrified of bears! If you talk to them and try to convince them you are just wearing a suit, they will freak out even more – trust me on this one! This scenario is similar to the one above, in that you get shot, only this time, it’s a tranquilizer dart, and you wake up somewhere in Saskatchewan, with no money and a soiled bear suit. really, not as much fun as it sounds
2. Soiled Bear Suit
I could do another whole stupid list on the ways you can end up with a soiled bear suit! well…
1. Bears Remember item 5? Being dragged through a forest by a real bear is a great way to clear out your intestines… and may actually be preferable to that heinous drink they give you the night before a colonoscopy.
2. Sleeping Bags Some people, like my friend, are so die-hard about their bear suits that they actually wear them to bed. need the extra warmth, living so close to the North Pole Which, if you’re camping – and that is what we’re talking about, here – bed means, sleeping bag. There are people who have a hard enough time just getting out of a sleeping bag in the middle of the night, when “nature calls”. You really want to add a bear suit to that mix?
3. People You appear to be a bear, in the middle of a campground… whatever them sumbitches do, it won’t be pleasant, and neither will the smell of your suit, afterward.
4. Saskatchewan So you didn’t take any of this advice, and you ended up in Saskatchewan. By the time you reach civilization…
5. What is wrong with you? Really? You’re actually reading a list of the different ways you can end up in a soiled bear suit!
If you wear a bear suit while camping, apparently, you will need to become Pope and get used to shitting in the woods. or a soiled bear suit
How does that saying go, “Does the Pope shit in the woods if bears are Catholic?”… or something like that. It’s supposed to indicate that something is obvious, but I really don’t see how it can be obvious whether a bear is Catholic, Protestant, Buddhist, or Wiccan. Sometimes folk wisdom is about as clever as wearing a bear suit camping.
Never give anyone a reason to have expectations of you; that way, whatever you do will be awesome!
But now it’s time to go to work, so pull on your bear suit and join the clan – Welcome to a New Week, Bitches!