“Cupid, you worthless bastard, I summon you to human form! (Julian)
Gee, I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t respond to that. (Grace)”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Fantasy Lover
I remember a time in my youth when I was struck by cupid’s arrow. Turns out, it was actually some fat perv in a diaper, bow hunting. poor bows To be fair, he had a permit.
If you’ve ever read this blog before, you know that I can be a little cynical, and just a tad sarcastic. AKA: “food” and “water”
So if I were to go all soft and fuzzy about Valentine’s Day, I’d probably burst into flames, and the family of squirrels in the attic would be homeless, and we can’t have that, can we?
No. My idea of a perfact Valentine’s date would be to go out to a nice restaurant with my BFF, best frightening friend sit close, so we can whisper snarky comments about the other googly-eyed couples to each other, and snicker quietly to ourselves, hoping we don’t get kicked out.
“Ever have that one friend who gets a Valentine’s Day gift for their mother? Doens’t that freak you out a little? It’s like, ‘I don’t know how to break this to you but I think she’s with your dad!'” -Russ Meneve
I think the very worst thing about Valentine’s Day is that we’re taught, from early childhood, that absolutely everybody must have a valentine. So, little kids sit in classrooms everywhere, cutting out hearts and composing poetry to random other children – and then people wonder why their kids sleep around and become strippers. didn’t I give you a paste-smeared Valentine’s card in 5th grade?
“Valentine’s Day is not a holiday, Rosh Hashanah, that’s a holiday, Memorial Day, yes a holiday … you know who invented Valentines day?… Hersheys and Hallmark.” – Peter Gallagher, The O.C.
The truth is, as I and a group of like-minded cynical and sarcastic commenters on Facebook have determined, Valentine’s Day is like the fourth of July; if you’re not from the U.S., it means diddly-squat to you. By the same reasoning, if you’re not in a relationship, Valintine’s Day any VD really is just another inconvenience. We agreed that single people, rather than feeling all mopy and sad at “being alone”, have it better on Valentine’s Day – absolutely nothing is expected of us… unless you have one of those creepy moms who expects a card…
And so, in the spirit of the day, expectation and disappointment I give you a long overdue Stupid List:
5 Stupid Things To Say To Your Valentine
I’m so excited! Because men and women generally have very different needs and desires, for the first time the stupid list is a two-fer! couldn’t do a no-fer?
Guy: I got you a card!
Nothing says, “if they paid me to, I might be able to care less” than some cheap-assed card. OK, seriously, those things are freaking ex-pen-sive, still, if that’s all you got, you might as well head to the strip club right now, ’cause that’s all the flesh you’re seein’ for some time to come.
Woman: Something other than, “Let’s have sex any way you want!”
Let’s face it, a guy’s needs are usually pretty basic. Note: Except mine, ladies. There is no way I would be that shallow and crude! true. you’re much worse
Guy: Oh, shit! I forgot…
You have two choices at this point: 1. Kill yourself, or 2. Let her kill you.
My advice? A gun is quick and painless – she won’t use a gun…
Woman: Something other than, “Let’s have sex anywhere you want!”
Of course, I would want to sit quietly and listen to how your day went, and I never judge. is your nose getting longer or are you happy to see me?
Guy: I got you flowers! Sorry they’re not roses.
O-M-G, dude. You might as well have come home with yellow roses. No, dumb-ass, yellow roses are not about Texas! Yellow roses mean “friendship” – you know, like the friend zone you’ll be lucky to occupy forever after that bone-head move. Money, bitch! How much money do frickin’ pansies cost? Don’t answer that: it’s not enough.
Immediately laugh and tell her it’s a joke, that her roses are out in the car. Then go to your car and break whatever traffic laws you must to get to a good florist and get back to your snuggles with two dozen Red roses.
Woman: Something other than, “Let’s have sex any time you want!”
BTW – I’m not the kind of guy who whines about sex. If you’re just not into it sometimes, I’m cool with that. cool as a cold shower
Guy: That’s what you’re wearing tonight?
Dude, you need therapy. Clearly you have a death wish.
Run, do not walk, to the bathroom, close the door and jam your hand down your throat until you puke. Now pray that she has any maternal instincts at all. You’ll be fine now, but I hope you’re not the kind of guy who whines about sex…
Woman: I invited our parents to triple-date with us tonight!
You know how your guy has “a difficult time pleasing you” when he’s drunk on his ass? Well… that’s his excitement level for the rest of the night, and there is not a “blue pill” on this planet that can save you now.
Call both sets of parents, tell them you could only get reservations at some other restaurant, then look at your guy, laugh hysterically at the “crazy joke” you were playing on him, proceed with your original dinner plans. Tell him you’re sitting at a huge table because he deserves to feel like a king!
Guy: I got you chocolates. Not that you need them…
Once again you have two choices: 1. Invent time travel, then go back and bitch-slap yourself before you get a chance to utter those words, or 2. Help her roll out the tarp upon which she is going to skin you alive.
Woman: Announce that to solidify your deep and abiding love for each other, you’ve arranged a ceremony at which you’ll both take vows of celibacy
Try to save up enough for a really good P.I. – unless you’re serious about that celibacy shit, in that case, leave the poor bastard alone!
And lose my phone number!
Happy Valentine’s Day, bitches! I love you all.whore!
NedSpeak: unless otherwise indicated, all contents of this blog are copyright ©2015 W. Ned Livingston, bitches