The way of Stupid List Friday: 5 Stupid Things To Say To Your Valentine

cupid

“Cupid, you worthless bastard, I summon you to human form! (Julian)
Gee, I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t respond to that. (Grace)”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Fantasy Lover

I remember a time in my youth when I was struck by cupid’s arrow. Turns out, it was actually some fat perv in a diaper, bow hunting. poor bows To be fair, he had a permit.

old_perv_cupid

If you’ve ever read this blog before, you know that I can be a little cynical, and just a tad sarcastic. AKA: “food” and “water”
So if I were to go all soft and fuzzy about Valentine’s Day, I’d probably burst into flames, and the family of squirrels in the attic would be homeless, and we can’t have that, can we?
No. My idea of a perfact Valentine’s date would be to go out to a nice restaurant with my BFF, best frightening friend sit close, so we can whisper snarky comments about the other googly-eyed couples to each other, and snicker quietly to ourselves, hoping we don’t get kicked out.

“Ever have that one friend who gets a Valentine’s Day gift for their mother? Doens’t that freak you out a little? It’s like, ‘I don’t know how to break this to you but I think she’s with your dad!'” -Russ Meneve

I think the very worst thing about Valentine’s Day is that we’re taught, from early childhood, that absolutely everybody must have a valentine. So, little kids sit in classrooms everywhere, cutting out hearts and composing poetry to random other children – and then people wonder why their kids sleep around and become strippers. didn’t I give you a paste-smeared Valentine’s card in 5th grade?

“Valentine’s Day is not a holiday, Rosh Hashanah, that’s a holiday, Memorial Day, yes a holiday … you know who invented Valentines day?… Hersheys and Hallmark.” – Peter Gallagher, The O.C.

The truth is, as I and a group of like-minded cynical and sarcastic commenters on Facebook have determined, Valentine’s Day is like the fourth of July; if you’re not from the U.S., it means diddly-squat to you. By the same reasoning, if you’re not in a relationship, Valintine’s Day any VD really is just another inconvenience. We agreed that single people, rather than feeling all mopy and sad at “being alone”, have it better on Valentine’s Day – absolutely nothing is expected of us… unless you have one of those creepy moms who expects a card…

And so, in the spirit of the day, expectation and disappointment I give you a long overdue Stupid List:

5 Stupid Things To Say To Your Valentine
I’m so excited! Because men and women generally have very different needs and desires, for the first time the stupid list is a two-fer! couldn’t do a no-fer?

5.
Guy: I got you a card!

Be my slutty valentine

Be my slutty valentine


Nothing says, “if they paid me to, I might be able to care less” than some cheap-assed card. OK, seriously, those things are freaking ex-pen-sive, still, if that’s all you got, you might as well head to the strip club right now, ’cause that’s all the flesh you’re seein’ for some time to come.

Woman: Something other than, “Let’s have sex any way you want!”
Let’s face it, a guy’s needs are usually pretty basic. Note: Except mine, ladies. There is no way I would be that shallow and crude! true. you’re much worse

4.
Guy: Oh, shit! I forgot…

You have two choices at this point: 1. Kill yourself, or 2. Let her kill you.
My advice? A gun is quick and painless – she won’t use a gun…

Woman: Something other than, “Let’s have sex anywhere you want!”
Of course, I would want to sit quietly and listen to how your day went, and I never judge. is your nose getting longer or are you happy to see me?

3.
Guy: I got you flowers! Sorry they’re not roses.

O-M-G, dude. You might as well have come home with yellow roses. No, dumb-ass, yellow roses are not about Texas! Yellow roses mean “friendship” – you know, like the friend zone you’ll be lucky to occupy forever after that bone-head move. Money, bitch! How much money do frickin’ pansies cost? Don’t answer that: it’s not enough.
Immediately laugh and tell her it’s a joke, that her roses are out in the car. Then go to your car and break whatever traffic laws you must to get to a good florist and get back to your snuggles with two dozen Red roses.

Woman: Something other than, “Let’s have sex any time you want!”
BTW – I’m not the kind of guy who whines about sex. If you’re just not into it sometimes, I’m cool with that. cool as a cold shower

2.
Guy: That’s what you’re wearing tonight?

Dude, you need therapy. Clearly you have a death wish.
Run, do not walk, to the bathroom, close the door and jam your hand down your throat until you puke. Now pray that she has any maternal instincts at all. You’ll be fine now, but I hope you’re not the kind of guy who whines about sex…

Woman: I invited our parents to triple-date with us tonight!
You know how your guy has “a difficult time pleasing you” when he’s drunk on his ass? Well… that’s his excitement level for the rest of the night, and there is not a “blue pill” on this planet that can save you now.
Call both sets of parents, tell them you could only get reservations at some other restaurant, then look at your guy, laugh hysterically at the “crazy joke” you were playing on him, proceed with your original dinner plans. Tell him you’re sitting at a huge table because he deserves to feel like a king!

1.
Guy: I got you chocolates. Not that you need them…

Once again you have two choices: 1. Invent time travel, then go back and bitch-slap yourself before you get a chance to utter those words, or 2. Help her roll out the tarp upon which she is going to skin you alive.

Woman: Announce that to solidify your deep and abiding love for each other, you’ve arranged a ceremony at which you’ll both take vows of celibacy
Try to save up enough for a really good P.I. – unless you’re serious about that celibacy shit, in that case, leave the poor bastard alone!
And lose my phone number!

Happy Valentine’s Day, bitches! I love you all.whore!

CUPID_silhouette


NedSpeak: unless otherwise indicated, all contents of this blog are copyright ©2015 W. Ned Livingston, bitches

TIA

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The way of Focus

Q: What do you get if you put an infinite number of bloggers with an infinite number of computers on the internet?

A: You get exactly 27 calculated to 42 decimal places blog posts worth reading, along with an infinite number of posts talking about why the bloggers have not been blogging.

Laughing Einstein
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” – Albert Einstein

I used to rate the inanity of technobabble in sci-fi dialogue on a scale based upon the incoherent ramblings of characters in Star Trek: Voyager. Then I watched the movie, Lucy, and something inside my head snapped again?… and I don’t think it was a barrier to some unused part of my brain. that would be all of it

Mind you, Lucy was simply the last straw, there have been many movies and TV shows piling on over the years, and one new one that is riding right up on my very last nerve. I’m fairly certain the writers of the TV show, Scorpion, sit at a cafe in silicon valley, sipping coffee and listening for buzz words to pepper their scripts with.

Lewis Black

Lewis Black

It’s called Google! You can type in words and find out what they actually mean!

“The only good is knowledge, and the only evil is ignorance.” – Herodotus

Over the span of its existence, I’ve done my share of whining about why I haven’t posted on this blog. any reason’s good enough for me! For the most part, though, I’ve simply been unable to come up with anything I could write about without putting myself to sleep… or, I started writing and actually put myself to sleep. Either way, no blog post.

Finally, it struck me,my turn! my turn! if I were to focus on one general topic, I’d have half of my what to write about problem solved. But what topic would be worth writing about, all the damned time? Then I watched Lucy, and realized, first, there are some ignorant-assed writers out there, and second, if people are getting their information from those ignorant-assed writers, there are some seriously ignorant people out there! But let’s face it, not everybody wants to be a physicist. everybody does not want to be a physicist

“A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. So is a lot.” – Albert Einstein

I’ve decided to impart my understanding of science and technology on a weekly basis and, to that end, have created BSB: the basic science blog. it’s basic science, bitches!
The blog posts there will be geared toward people who want to know something about science and technology but don’t really want to be scientists or technicians. Since my intention is not to teach college level courses, some of my explanations will be, admittedly, over-simplified. If you are an actual physicist or something, and you take exception to any or all of my ramblings, I would ask that you not whip out your dick and piss all over my blog. I’m sure your “brain” is really, really big Instead, please use my contact email and send me your thoughts and concerns, thanks.

Welcome to a New Week and a New Blog, bitches!


TIA

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The way of Wretches and Drudges

#HalTreBloPo #X

Surprise!

Here’s a guest post, by Dictionary.com, I couldn’t resist!

Wretches and Drudges: The Humor in Johnson’s Dictionary http://blog.dictionary.com/humor-in-johnsons-dictionary/

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The way of Halloween Treat Blog Post #2

#HalTreBloPo #2

Greek Chorus

Greek Chorus doin’ up Halloween like it’s their job!

“I’ll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.”
– Anonymous

… and then there would be the ones who are just plain scary all year long… like the folks who aren’t uncomfortable in Winter…

“Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.”
– Jean-Paul Sartre

OK, Jean, it’s not quite that late yet. you’re not dead …why do they call you “the late Ned Livingston”? I still have enough time left to call this Thursday’s Treat ’cause, spooky late, bitches! Besides, my blog, my rules.

“Having a second chance makes you want to work even harder.” – Tia Mowry

I wholeheartedly agree… having a second chance should make you work harder. For my part, I’m still writing a teeny-tiny story…

Night Terror

The Night Terror

There is nothing crawling in your hair…

It was the middle of the damned night, and something tickling the top of my head woke me. More than half asleep, I swatted at the vicinity of the annoying sensation, was not surprised to feel hair… wait… fur. Then that stabbing, burning sensation as needle-like teeth pierced deeply into the meat of my thumb. In total darkness, I leapt from my bed, felt tugging and scrambling in my hair. I employed both hands. Both hands were assailed with the searing pain of angry teeth, claws raked my neck. I stumbled over – something. My nose hit the floor hard, bringing tears to my already aching eyes. Why, oh, why had I kept my goddamned hair so long?


NedSpeak: unless otherwise indicated, all contents of this blog are copyright ©2014 W. Ned Livingston, bitches

TIA

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The way of Treats!

“There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can’t tell the truth without lying.” – Josh Billings

I have a long and surly history with blogging challenges. My issue with them is simple really; if you are calling yourself a blogger, not exactly what I call you but need some sort of outside influence to motivate you to write blog entries, you are lying.

... and the Lord, God, created the blogging challenge.

… and the Lord, God, created the blogging challenge.

Clearly, for the past several months I have not been a blogger. there is a God!
I think, however, I shall see what I can do to remedy that. Satan lives! I’m certainly not going to subject myself to some sort of ridiculous blogging challenge, God? but I have devised another incentive for me to write a new entry every day. Satan!

It’s October, you see, which is not only the month of my birth, scary damned month but also the month of Halloween!
Every year there is a horror convention, hereabouts, called –

October 17, 18 and 19, 2014 www.rockandshock.com Held @ The Palladium and the DCU Center in Worcester MA

October 17, 18 and 19, 2014
http://www.rockandshock.com
Held @ The Palladium and the DCU Center in Worcester MA

Well, a few days before writing this post, it was pointed out to me that there was a writing contest on the convention’s Facebook page. A two sentence horror story contest, to be specific. So I cruised my ass over to their page to scope it out because even I can finish a story that’s only two frickin’ sentences long! The deadline was 11:00pm that same day. I submitted my story at just about 10:59.59.

“Simplicity is the final achievement. After one has played a vast quantity of notes and more notes, it is simplicity that emerges as the crowning reward of art.” – Frederic Chopin

To answer that nagging question: If I had won, do you honestly think I would not have put, “I won a fucking writing contest!” – Me, bitches! somewhere nearish the top of the damned page? Yeah.

Writing that little story, though, made me realize how much fun can be had in a very short time. I’ve heard you already knew that So, for the rest of the month of October, I’m going to see if I can write a piece of horror flash fiction more like horrible every day and get it posted right around midnight ’cause spooky, bitches!

“A ‘treat’ is different from a ‘reward,’ which must be justified or earned. A treat is a small pleasure or indulgence that we give to ourselves just because we want it. Treats give us greater vitality, which boosts self-control, which helps us maintain our healthy habits. – Gretchen Rubin

Yeah, I have no idea what the hell she’s talking about, but I hope you enjoy my Halloween treats for you. This first one is the one I submitted to the Rock and Shock two sentence horror story contest.

HMS Britanic, image by Stuart Williamson

HMS Britanic, image by Stuart Williamson

Deep Blues

We had been out to sea, so there were untold fathoms above, yet the bulkheads had saved me from a quick, crushing death. Alone in the sealed compartment, it was blacker than black; my only companion, the steady drip, drip, drip from across the room.


NedSpeak: unless otherwise indicated, all contents of this blog are copyright ©2014 W. Ned Livingston, bitches

TIA

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The way of God’s Plan

Today's Special: BOGO Lobotomies - Bring A Friend!

Today’s Special: BOGO on Lobotomies – Bring A Friend!

“A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

I wonder, more often than is probably healthy, you, any mental process, and healthy – seriously? where is the line between acceptable religious belief and schizophrenia requiring medication. Clearly, Society draws the line at any religious belief that calls for one to kill oneself, but the maiming and killing of someone else seems to be OK, in fact required, for some religions. True, a great many people within those same religions condemn that sort of treatment in this day and age, the good old days were a simpler, messier time yet no one goes so far as to say the strict adherents are psychotic or schizophrenic and need medication. not even the pharmaceutical industry!

“Religion is the opiate of the masses” – Karl Marx sort of

The full quote from Karl Marx is: “Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people”.

And yet, the “War On Drugs” (I think the slogan’s creator was “on drugs”; it should be against drugs) seems to have passed over religion altogether. religion, pass over, cute… not Nor has Cool-Aid been outlawed, despite the insistence by a large portion of the population that it has some sort of mind-altering properties and drinking it is, in some way, harmful.

OH YEAH Koolaid to the Rescue by DarthLen.jpg, deviantart.net

OH YEAH Koolaid to the Rescue by DarthLen, deviantart.net

“Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.”
– Mother Teresa

We all know that old aphorism, “The devil is in the details,” and it seems Mother Teresa knew the value of that principle, even if she chose to put it into different words. ya think?
Very likely, the difference between psychosis and religious belief is actually a numbers game. Strictly speaking, a religion is a set of guiding beliefs and their associated behaviors. You can, in fact, have a legitimate religion with only one member, not according to the tax guys but when you start talking to the object of your beliefs, which is typically invisible, the mental health industry will lock-on to your scent almost immediately. word of advice: don’t talk to random visible objects either

If, on the other hand, you belong to a religion of millions upon millions of people, you can get away with, pretty much, anything. That’s what’s so cool about countries where you can’t even live there if you don’t belong to their religion – the entire country accepts that the same invisible being is running things, so you can even go so far as to start a war with another country and no one will say you’re all a bunch of psychos ’cause, entire country of psychos!

Nothing says, "I love God" better than spiking a baby, from horseback.

Because nothing says, “I love God” better than spiking a baby, from horseback.


Some people have all the fun!

Now don’t get me wrong, I understand there are a great many good things done by religious groups.

Religion is the backbone of most charitable behavior.

Religion is the backbone of most charitable behavior.

The fact is, though, any large group of human beings, all acting for the same purpose, is an awesome (in the classical sense) thing. A large group of humans willing to take it on faith that their entire life should be thus-and-so is not thinking critically about doing good or bad and that, my friends, is a scary motherfucker.

So, you might guess that I am an atheist, and you would guess wrongly. To be perfectly clear, hahahaha… you’re killin’ me! I have my own code of morals and ethics, which don’t need to be dictated to me by an invisible overlord; they tend toward what should be common courtesy and decency. Those do not make me a “religious” person, though, even if I do believe in a sort of Universal power; I won’t bore you with the details. I have no problem calling my spiritual entity God, for the sake of convenience – others would probably find a gruesome way to kill me for that. some large group of people not thinking critically, for instance

Although I have a very scientific, analytical mind, I have my own reasons for believing in what a good many other “rational” people would consider a delusion – my own schizophrenic aberration. That’s cool. And while I believe what I do using, largely, the same type of rationale many “real” scientists use to believe in “string theory”, now, that’s a scary cult that does not stop me from employing the most popular purpose for the existence of any deity: the fall guy.

“Announcing your intentions is the best way to hear God laugh.” – a lot of people, really, but I’m quoting Al Swearengen from the HBO series, Deadwood

For the most part, I will take the hit for any ridiculous mistakes I make, but sometimes things are just too complex to ascribe any single blame to anyone other than God. Lazy? Sure. But there we are. Sometimes life is just too messed up, and I am simply too tired to untangle the causality knot:

“Hi, God! Why did you do that to me?”

On the other hand, if you regularly ask the question, “Why does this always happen to me?” you need to review this post.

“The Lord has a plan. We always think the plans are A, B, C and D, and everything is going to be perfect for us and it may not be that way, but it’s still his plan.” – Tony Dungy

When something goes horribly wrong in one’s life, the first thing we do is – well, the first thing is to look for someone to kick… hard… real hard. But that soon gives way to damage control and mitigation. making it feel less shitty That’s when the thread-bare adages make their appearance: It’s for your own good. It will all turn out the way it’s supposed to – according to God’s plan.

But… what if the God’s plan is to drive you batshit crazy?

Thanks, Majaski.

Thanks, Majaski.

Welcome to a new week, Bitches!


TIA

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The way of the Clan of the Cave Bear Suit: a Stupid List

“In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” – Albert Schweitzer

I have this friend…

1505025_787214671292524_1428740809_n

… she lives pretty far away, which is too bad because she’s the kind of friend who, if I was getting beat up in a bar fight, would laugh and laugh – up to a certain point, at which time, a silent prayer should be uttered for any mofo still on me. Sometimes she gets all stabby ‘n shit.

“I just consider myself slightly left-of-center. I’m not your average bear. I – what’s the word? I’m not – normal.” – Eddie Van Halen

Another thing about my friend is that she is very fond of her bear suit and wears it, pretty much, everywhere. In fact, the only thing she likes anywhere near as much as her bear suit is camping. Which brings me to my point: now that Summer is almost over, I think it’s about time I weighed in with some Summertime advice. And so I give you –

5 Reasons You Should Never Wear A Bear Suit Camping

“I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.”
– Woody Allen

5. Bears
There are real bears out there! What if one decides you’re a real bear too, but it doesn’t like your cologne… or does like your cologne. apparently, some bears are Catholic and don’t believe in divorce.

4. People
There are real people out there! And they have guns! and they don’t really care if your head is inside the one they put on their wall

3. People
There are real people out there! And they are terrified of bears! If you talk to them and try to convince them you are just wearing a suit, they will freak out even more – trust me on this one! This scenario is similar to the one above, in that you get shot, only this time, it’s a tranquilizer dart, and you wake up somewhere in Saskatchewan, with no money and a soiled bear suit. really, not as much fun as it sounds

2. Soiled Bear Suit
I could do another whole stupid list on the ways you can end up with a soiled bear suit! well…
1. Bears Remember item 5? Being dragged through a forest by a real bear is a great way to clear out your intestines… and may actually be preferable to that heinous drink they give you the night before a colonoscopy.
2. Sleeping Bags Some people, like my friend, are so die-hard about their bear suits that they actually wear them to bed. need the extra warmth, living so close to the North Pole Which, if you’re camping – and that is what we’re talking about, here – bed means, sleeping bag. There are people who have a hard enough time just getting out of a sleeping bag in the middle of the night, when “nature calls”. You really want to add a bear suit to that mix?
3. People You appear to be a bear, in the middle of a campground… whatever them sumbitches do, it won’t be pleasant, and neither will the smell of your suit, afterward.
4. Saskatchewan So you didn’t take any of this advice, and you ended up in Saskatchewan. By the time you reach civilization…
5. What is wrong with you? Really? You’re actually reading a list of the different ways you can end up in a soiled bear suit!

1. Expectations
If you wear a bear suit while camping, apparently, you will need to become Pope and get used to shitting in the woods. or a soiled bear suit
How does that saying go, “Does the Pope shit in the woods if bears are Catholic?”… or something like that. It’s supposed to indicate that something is obvious, but I really don’t see how it can be obvious whether a bear is Catholic, Protestant, Buddhist, or Wiccan. Sometimes folk wisdom is about as clever as wearing a bear suit camping.
Never give anyone a reason to have expectations of you; that way, whatever you do will be awesome!

But now it’s time to go to work, so pull on your bear suit and join the clan – Welcome to a New Week, Bitches!


TIA

Posted in Better Living, Humor, Stupid Lists, Things and Stuff, Uncategorized, Welcome to a new week - bitches | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment